By Susan Mwape and
Nancy Handabile
Speed dating, the internet,
cosmopolitan (both the drink and lifestyle) make being a single lady in the 21st
Century a daunting feat.
Half the time one
walks the street or even sits in a plush and not so plush joint, conversation
revolves around hubby this, dude that, my ex here bleh bleh bleh …. The talk
goes on and don’t forget the; when are you getting married eyebrow raises (que
in shot if tequila gold or sour apple).
Everyone from your mother,
grandmother, hairstylist, maid and the lady who sells chikanda wants you to be
wed, and nicely (maybe they don’t even care if it’s that nice) tucked with a
hubby by your side!!!!!
A drive around the
city on Friday (sometimes even from Monday) through Sunday is usually basked in
sounds of hooters, cars nicely wrapped in ribbons (forget the toilet paper aka
tissue especially now with the rains) of all colours, pretty ladies glittering
often in shiny brightly coloured satin dresses (in awful colours the bride
chose to lump them in) and gentlemen in swirling ill-fitting tuxedos.
In the midst of it all is an immaculately
dressed Bride with angelic looking flower girls and the groom on the side
presenting a picture of sophisticated (expensive) perfection.
For a single lady the scenario described often
presents the question; what did she do right that I did not? How is it that
even though am not in a hurry to tie the knot, am not even in a stable
relationship? When will my prince charming sweep me off my feet? Am I gonna die
a sad lone, lonely loner?
But Snap! After the
long reflection on the last failed relationship with Jack who cheated on you
with Janet, and how before that Tim whom you had dated for 6 years with hopes
of a fancy white wedding (cue in routines which no one ever gets in sync) met
Pamela whom he found fit to marry after a space of only three months.
There was also Justin
who after coming to you a broken man ended up impregnating an eighteen year old
who he ended up marrying dare we mention the mamas boys the stingy boys, the
hotshots with the six packs, the gigolos (who always try to siphon a quick buck
off you) the older guys and the serial pathological liars and cheaters, SIGH.
You then come to a
certain realisation (light bulb moment) that dating is really really (dare we
add another really) hard. It’s not a walk in the park, there is no blue print
of fixed formulae for it.
We have grown up in
an era where our parents preach modesty, humility, being coy and the principle
of Ladies being seen and not heard yet increasingly the really loud ladies and
liberated ladies that are not afraid to let go of their inhibitions are getting
hitched and tying knots, ironic isn’t it.
When our grandparents
had relationships it went a little like this, Betty met Kaunda, they liked each
other, and met up discovered what the other one liked and decided to give it a
go. They met each other’s parents, paid up dowry and ended up together and most
often stayed together. In other cases, Pauls parents saw Patricia and decided
she would make a good daughter in law after all their families had known each
other long enough.
Now we live in a fast
paced world where we have a wide array of dishes (sorry humans to choose from)
or so we delude ourselves.
There is a lot on
impatience because we expect love and relationships to work like in movies, romantic
songs and to work as fast as the internet that we now substitute for good old
fashioned courtship.
Yes we are human and
yes we have our flaws but we are so quick to expect others to accept our flaws
as an excuse for us not trying to make things work.
Do we sound harsh?
Maybe but it is only harshness and coldness that can explain the cold meal that
others serve to others and expect them to gulp down.
A girl in the digital
era has the biggest challenge in finding a good partner. First you meet Moses who
showers you with enough affection and reels you in like a worm to a fish until
you like him enough to start getting ideas. He misleads you in so many ways; taking
you to the movies, lunch, dinner, caressing your face and even looks into your
eyes then the occasional kiss happens.
When you are hooked
he slowly pulls the ‘worm’ out (Cue in horror song as fish gasps…) reality
kicks in. He begins with the excuses of how and why you can’t be together.
He tells you how he
has so much to deal with and is really in a place where he can’t handle a
relationship (forget). He also will tell you in the same breath how much he
LIKES you (forget that two days ago he said he LOVES you).
He tells you that he
has been through so much pain in his life and is afraid to be in a relationship
(cue in Shola Ama’s song; still believe), he says all this whilst he’s holding
you tenderly (forgetting he’s hurting in that moment).
Then there is the
classic excuse of I don’t want to hurt you so I would rather not be with you,
#SideEye, #EyeRoll.
To quote all the men
who have said this:“You are beautiful,
intelligent and are everything a man would want in a woman but I am afraid to
be with you”. Er yeah
Another quote, the
proverbial “give me time” which ladies beware can be between today and eternity
(channel jesus saying am coming soon, 2000 years ago).
You have to give men
kudos for these statements, like seriously how do they even come up with them, is
there is a class that they take or something.
Most Ladies have
witnessed, seen, heard and even been on the receiving end of these excuses that
men make but we are here to tell you that you never have to.
Clearly, society
places too much pressure on the female folk. You have to find a man and be
someone’s wife before you can be respected as a human being (No we didn’t say
Woman we said human) because when you are single you are considered an INCOMPLETE being that’s why you are called
Miss you “Miss something/one”
We say to the men
that have delivered these **beep ** silly statements that you are cowards. We
realise that, if you cannot man up and make up your mind yet want to continue
towing the line you certainly do not deserve us or anything good in this world
How can you shamelessly
tell a woman that she is beautiful, intelligent and everything a man would want
yet not want to be with her in a relationship?
To add insult to
injury you do everything that a committed person would do, caring,
possessiveness (this we don’t get AT ALL), you want to caress, to hold hands to
display ownership in public yet you do not want to give a woman the certainty of
where she belongs.
This is pure torture
and frankly is so evil even Lucifer is shocked at this purely taking of evil to
another level.
Do we sound bitter?
Yes we and all other ladies are but unlike you we are not cowards who hide
behind flowery facades and stories meant to stimulate sympathy; we tell it like
it is.
We also get that most
men out there are generally spineless and certainly require the approval of
everyone but themselves on the type of woman they end up with even if it means
losing a good woman.
Yes we realise that
some ladies will put up with these sorry excuses, that after seeing your
crestfallen sad face (Yall deserve Oscar awards) will try everything in their
power (and some not in their power) to be the one for you.
To you ladies we say
it is not your place to move the heavens or carry the earth for a man, it is
not your place to wait for a man who wants to be given time, it is not your
place to believe a man who says he is not ready for relationship because he
means just one thing, (cue in Toni Braxton’s unbreak my heart).
Please ladies, don’t
get twisted, when a man says that he is not ready for a relationship it means
he does not just want to be in a relationship with YOU. It means try as hard as
you may, you will NEVER be good enough for him.
Our advice is
#KeepItMoving! You don’t want to be woman. This will save you some dignity and
respect. Believe us when we say that you will definitely meet someone who
realises your worth. However, for you to achieve this, you need to start by
loving yourself enough to understand that you should never settle for
mediocrity of any sort.
Realise you are worth
more than he is and that one kiss on the forehead does not delete all the pain
that you feel.
Stop settling for a
day of bliss if its encompassed in months of turmoil, torment and torture, stop
it stop it stop it.
A wise man once said,
“Do not think that a man keeps doing you wrong and coming back because he loves
you. It’s simply because he knows the power he has over you and that you will
take him back”. Ladies there is absolutely no reason to give a man that much
power!
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